Against the Grain
by SentimentalTune
Summary: Sometimes, Jane Rizzoli just has to trust her gut.. especially when it comes to Maura Isles. Jane/Maura friendship that will turn into more. Rizzles! Rated T for language. Please read and review.
1. Fix You

Disclaimer: I own nothing, least of all Rizzoli & Isles.

A/N: This came to me while listening to the Coldplay song of the same title. It's just my take on how Jane would reach out to Maura if she saw that she needed comfort. Some mention of violence in the very beginning, but I didn't go into much detail. Jane's POV, _thoughts_. This is the start of a multi chapter fic, so I will try to have another chapter posted soon. Please read and review! I will try to respond to each review, because each and every single one of them means a lot to me. Thanks, and enjoy!

**Against the Grain**

Chapter One: Fix You

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, holding it in as long as possible, until I feel my lungs begin to burn. I exhale slowly, my thoughts returning to what has rapidly become my mind's topic of the day.

_Maura._

This case has started to take a toll on her. I can see it in her eyes. Usually a bright, luminous hazel, they have taken on a slightly darker hue, and instead of being full of life, her eyes are dull and tell a silent tale of exhaustion.

If I had to guess, I'd say she probably isn't sleeping.. or eating properly. That big brain of hers is probably going over every shred of evidence, every strand of DNA, every fiber found and collected at each crime scene.

Four bodies in as many days, all children, with signs of torture, their small bodies marred and mutilated beyond any and all human comprehension.

She has been hiding behind a cold exterior, attempting to find comfort in medical terminology and choosing to see things from a scientific perspective.

_As much as she would like to believe that science is enough, it isn't.. _

I open my eyes and look around my apartment, smiling as I spot two books on my coffee table. One is a book about a rare tribe in Kenya, outlining their burial customs and other rituals relating to death. The other is a collection of Garfield comics. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out which book is mine and which one is hers.

_Could we be more different?_The smile that formed on my lips widens as I remember how excited she was when she walked through my door holding that book, rambling on about how beautiful death can be, and how certain cultures are more respectful of the dead than they are of the living.

I love the way she gets so caught up in facts about things that no one else but her cares about or even understands. I wanted to tell her that then, but I didn't.

Opening up isn't my forte. Using words and all that girly shit? It just doesn't work for me. It's not my thing.

I let out a groan of frustration, taking a sip of my now lukewarm beer, before deciding that ignoring the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach isn't an option.

_Something's not right._

I don't really know how I know, but I just know that something's not right. Whatever it is, intuition most likely, I'm going to go with it instead of taking time to question it.

Jo Friday, who has been napping at the other end of the couch, looks up at me sympathetically and I reach out to pet her.

"You be good, okay? I gotta go check on Maura.."

Both of her ears perk up at the sound of Maura's name, and I just roll my eyes.

_Traitor! I knew you loved her more than you love me.._

I put my boots on, not even bothering to tie them, then pull a hoodie over my head as I grab my keys and head out the door.

The drive to Maura's is filled with traffic sounds and old hits from the 90's. I hum along to a Phil Collins song, then sing along to Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing In The Dark".

I kill the engine in her driveway and run my fingers through my hair, knowing that I look like an unmade bed and perfectly aware of the fact that Maura has come to expect nothing less of me.

_Okay.. Just get the hell out of the car, knock on her door.. and when she lets you in, take her in your arms and tell her that you love her. Either that.. Or offer her a pat on the back, a playful punch to the arm, and say something like 'Thought you could use some company'.._I pinch the bridge of my nose and let out a sigh.

_I should just go back home. I should go back home, pretend like I didn't drive all the way over to my best friend's house in the middle of the night for no other reason than I "had a feeling" something's not right, and crawl into bed and toss and turn until my alarm clock tells me it's time to get up and face yet another day.._

"Damn it."

I slip my keys out of the ignition and into my pocket, knowing that until I lay eyes on her, until I know that she is okay, there's no way I will get any peace or rest anytime soon. I unbuckle my seatbelt, open my door, and step out into the cool night air.

_She's going to ask me why I'm here.. She's going to ask, and I'm not going to have an answer other than "I was worried about you, let me in so that I'll know you are really okay and not just 'pretend' okay." What the fuck kind of sense does that make? None, that's right.. Nothing about how you're feeling right now or how you've been feeling about her for awhile now makes any sense at all…_

Standing outside her door, I take a deep breath, knock, then exhale slowly.

_Please answer.._I step back and see that all of the windows are dark, and when I lean forward and press my ear to the door, I hear no footsteps falling, no sounds indicating movement of any kind.

_I should have at least called first._

Of its own accord, my hand reaches into the pocket of my jeans and before I have time to debate whether or not I should use the spare key I was given to her house months ago, the key is in the lock.

_I'll just check on her. If she's sleeping, she doesn't even have to know I came over. I'll just ease in and out.. Ha! Ease in and out.. That's what she said!_

I chuckle to myself and shake my head, stepping into the house and quietly closing the door behind me. My eyes take a few seconds to adjust to the darkness, and out of habit, I step out of my boots, making sure that they are tucked away neatly by the back door. The kitchen is dimly lit by the light over the oven, but no other lights are on. I can make out the outlines of furniture in the living room, and Bass has settled in for the night over at the bottom of the stairs.

_Freaking massive motherfucker.. I wonder if he bites..?_

I slowly and carefully make my way over to Bass and bend down to touch his shell. I've seen Maura pet him a few times, and I couldn't help but laugh at her. I would never tell her this, never admit it, but I actually think Bass is kind of neat.

"Uhh, hey there, big guy.. You asleep or just being an antisocial little shit like always?… Yeah, that's what I thought.."

I pet him a few more times before slowly ascending the stairs.

_I'll just check on her. She's probably sleeping, and I'm probably overreacting.. But it doesn't hurt just to make sure she's okay._

I tiptoe into her bedroom, immediately noticing that she's not in her bed and that the door to her bathroom is closed. A sliver of light is visible under the door, and so I make my way over and gently knock.

"Maur…?"

My hand is shaking as I reach out and turn the door knob, opening the door slowly so that I can peep in.

_Oh, God!_

Curled up on the floor in a ball, she has buried her face in her hands and is crying uncontrollably, her whole body shaking, wracked by the force of her sobs.

"Maura! Oh, God.. Maur.. what's wrong? C'mere, okay? I've got you… "

I hit my knees and they give protest, but I ignore the pain and reach out to pull her into my arms. She is shaking, and all she does is cry when I wrap my arms around her and rock her gently.

"Whatever it is, I've got you.. and you've got me, okay? We'll get through this together, alright? It's going to be okay, you're going to be okay…"

_Please, God, let her be okay.._

I feel the sting of tears as they start to form, and all I know to do is to let them fall.

"They were so little, Jane.. so young.. and after everything they went through, all of their suffering.. I had to cut into them. Their little bodies had already withstood so much…" She chokes out, then succumbs to yet another round of sobs.

_Oh, Maura.. I don't know how to help you.. how can I help you?_

"You were doing your job, you are helping them by helping us figure out who did that to them so that we can make sure those bastards are brought to justice. You're going to help us find their killers, you're going to help put their souls to rest. I can't.. I can't imagine how you feel.."

She pulls away from me, wiping her eyes, then struggles to stand.

"You're absolutely right! You don't have the slightest clue what I have been feeling for the past few days.. because you haven't been here! I have had no one to talk to, no one to turn to when I needed.. I don't know what I need!" She is distraught, her voice elevated, and in her eyes I see more pain than any one human should ever have to feel.

_She has needed me, and I have been too blind, too wrapped up in this fucking case to see it until now._

"I'm a fucking asshole."The revelation is nothing new, at least not to me.

"Jane! Language!" She starts, but I don't give her time to finish.

I take a step towards her.

"No, Maur! It's the truth.. crudely stated, but it's the truth. I just.. I.. I'm sorry. You gotta believe me, okay? I'm sorry.. I got caught up in this case. I couldn't see that you needed me… that I need you.."

I look down at my sock covered feet and let out a long sigh.

"This case.. whatever it is that has happened inside me.. I don't think it can be fixed… I can't be fixed." Her words, her solemn confession, break my heart into a million pieces.

Once again, she is crying, and I feel myself slowly start to come undone.

"I'm not trying to fix you.. you don't need fixing, Maura.. You just.. you just need this…"

I pull her back into my arms, and immediately, she is sobbing, shoving me away and pulling me to her simultaneously. I feel her continue to struggle against me, to go against the grain as she has trained herself to do over the course of a lifetime of self sufficiency and having to stand alone.

"You're not alone, okay? I get it now, I really do.. I didn't.. I didn't understand at first.. not until tonight. I just got this feeling.. like something wasn't right. I couldn't explain it, and it wouldn't go away. I _had _to see you, I _had _to know that you were alright. I drove here at almost one in the morning because my heart would not let me rest… until I knew you were okay. I wanted.. no, I _needed _to know that you were okay. You need me.. And it's okay for you to need me… because I need you too."

Halfway through me pouring my heart out, she stopped trying to pull away and just wrapped her arms around me.

We both remain silent for awhile, content to just stay in each other's arms for a few minutes while what has been said settles into our hearts.

"I only need you because I love you so much." She says, leaning back so that she can look up into my eyes.

I can't help but smile.

"Is that so, huh?"

A small smile dances across her lips and she nods.

Gazing down into her still tear filled eyes, it occurs to me that there is a significant height difference between us.

"You're short, you know that?"She pokes me in the stomach, and we both laugh as she takes my hand and leads me out of the bathroom and over towards her bed.

"Stay?" She asks tentatively, then bites her bottom lip.

_Like I could say no to that?_

I nod, unbuttoning my jeans and shimmying out of them, before I peel my hoodie off and let both articles of clothing hit the floor. In a tank top and boy shorts, I climb into bed on my side and sidle up to Maura, who snuggles into out a contented sigh, Maura nuzzles into me, trying to get comfortable, and I shiver when her hand makes its way under my tank top to rest on my stomach. As her index finger draws patterns across my abdomen, my muscles twitch, and she chuckles.

"Jane.. are you ticklish?" She asks, continuing to trail her fingers along my stomach playfully.

_Oh.. fuck.. if she keeps this up…_

"No."

A moment of silence passes between us before she speaks again.

"Turned on?" She says, and the tone of her voice, unless I am mistaken, is questioning as well as fingers dance higher across feverish skin and I bite my bottom lip to suppress a moan."What do you think?"

She lets out a laugh, then removes her hand from under my tank top.

"First date." She tells me, readjusting herself once more so that she is on her side and is pressed into mine.

_Huh?_

My eyebrows raise in question, and she flashes me one of her signature, dimpled smiles.

"Take me on a date, then we'll see what I can do to alleviate that… problem… you seem to be having." She tells me, and I feel myself start to blush.

_Be calm. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth…_

"What problem?"

_Did my voice just crack?_

"The one that's causing your pupils to dilate and that mild case of tachycardia you seem to be suffering from." She informs me, then presses her lips to my bare shoulder briefly.

_Oh, yeah.. that 'problem'…_

"I don't really see that as a problem."

We both laugh as I pull the covers up over and around us.

"Goodnight, Jane." She whispers, and I close my eyes, still smiling and feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

_I have a date to plan…_

"Goodnight, Maur."

Laying on my back, staring up at the ceiling, it hits me that it's a really good thing that I followed my intuition.

"Oh, and Maur?"

She hums in response.

"I love you too."

I close my eyes and drift into a peaceful sleep.


	2. Bullet

Disclaimer: I don't own them.. or Rizzoli & Isles would be on Showtime.. and there would have been a "full nudity is mandatory" clause in Harmon and Alexander's contracts.

A/N: Finally got around to the next chapter. Sorry for the delay.. Also, if you were expecting this story to be a girl-meets-girl-girls-fall-in-love-girls-live-happily-ever-after kind of story? Guess again. That's lovely, but a tad unrealistic. This is Jane Rizzoli and Maura Isles. Nothing comes easy. Also, even though I can produce pure fluff, I usually don't. You've been warned.. This chapter takes its title from a Steel Train song of the same title. _"I had a chance for a better life, but all that I've known is to run, run, run.." _God, that song.. Just listen to it. It's amazing. And so totally me.. Please read and review! Thanks.

**Against the Grain**

Chapter Two: Bullet

_I told Maura I love her._

Quietly, I grab my jeans and hoodie and sneak out of her bedroom, careful not to wake the sleeping beauty I am walking away from at a breakneck speed.

The very gut that led me here is what's behind my escape, and as I stand in Maura's living room, slipping my jeans on then shoving my feet into my boots, all I can feel is guilt.. and a strong desire to get the hell away from the scene of the crime.

Once I am in my car, all I can do is stare at the steering wheel. I put the key in the ignition but don't start the car.

_What the fuck am I doing? She needs me.. I told her.. I promised her I would be there…_

Pulling my cell phone out of my pocket, I check the time. It's a little after three in the morning. My mind is already formulating a lie to tell her, an excuse to give her, when she asks why I wasn't there when she woke up. I got a call from Frost, break in the case.. I got a call from Ma, she needed help with a hangnail..

_Goddamn it._

I start the engine and press the brake, putting the car into reverse, my decision made. I'll think of something to tell Maura.. something that doesn't sound like the complete crock of shit that it is.. and she will believe me because she would never expect me to do what I'm going right now.

_What the fuck am I doing? What. The. Fuck. Am I doing?_

On autopilot all the way back to my apartment, I can't stop my mental wheels from turning.

I feel like _fuck-and-run Rizzoli _all over again. People think I didn't know about that little nickname that was hung on me at the academy. I know, I knew then. I never let it bother me partly because it was true, and party because I was young and stupid.. and when you're young and stupid, you think earning a nickname like that is something to be proud of.

People also think I don't know that I get called a dyke on an almost daily basis by beats and higher-ups. I hear the whispers. I see the stares, the eye rolls. I've noticed that most female officers would rather be dipped in honey and tossed to a bear than to be in the same room alone with me.

It's one thing when it's talk, when it's just bullshit.. when it's some dick-scratching prick standing around the station, running off at the mouth about some dirty fantasy he has about a woman in a uniform bending another woman over a desk and doing more than just inform her of her rights.

It's one thing when it's just talk.

It's something else entirely when it's true.

_What if word gets around.. about how Maura feels about me.. will they start in on her too?_

I hate what gets said about me, but if people started talking about Maura? It's bad enough that she's called The Queen of the Dead. People already wonder why she hangs around _that dyke detective_ so much. They already whisper, already insinuate that something is going on between us. People already make comments and laugh when we're seen together at the Dirty Robber and in the parking lot at work.

_Assholes._

I'm not sure what the real issue is.. I know people are going to talk, regardless of anything that Maura and I do or don't do. I don't know if I'm worried about people talking about her.. or if this is something a lot bigger than just worrying about a few inappropriate comments and obscene gestures that may or may not come our way.

Something tells me that this is more than that..

_This is more than that, and you know it, damn it.._

Pulling up outside of my apartment building, I let out a sigh.

_How could I do this.. to her or all people? God.. I really am a sack of shit._

Heading upstairs and into my apartment, I decide that trying to sleep is completely out of the question. It's just not going to happen.

Prancing around in cute little circles at my feet, Joe Friday is a blur of excited fur, and I bend down and pick her up. She licks my face happily, and I can't help but think that she would probably piss or shit on me if she knew what I've done to Maura.

"Hey, sweet girl.. Wanna go for a walk?"

At the mention of her favorite pastime, Joe begins to squirm and bark. I smile, walking over and grabbing her leash, hooking it to her collar, then putting her back down.

"Okay, girl.. I get it.. time for a walk."

I don't even bother to lock the door behind me as I head out to walk around the neighborhood so that Joe can squat in some of her favorite places.

_What if we were like dogs.. just went around pissing on what's ours.. marking our territory. I probably would have peed all over Maura the second I saw her.. pissed a little circle around those ridiculous shoes she was wearing. What's mine is mine, and I don't share.. I'm sure there's a reason they do that shit.. y'know, other than that whole 'that's mine, that's mine, that's mine too' thing they've got going on.. Maura would be able to explain it to me, in great detail I'm sure.._

I haven't been away from her but half an hour and already she's working her way into my thoughts.

_What's new?_

"I told Maura I love her.. I told her I love her.. then bolted. I ran, I got scared, y'know? Oh, Joe.. I'm such a dumb shit.. did you know that, girl? I'm a dumb shit."

The scruffy ball of energy looks up at me and barks.

"Wow. Thanks for that. No, really. Thanks. I feel _so_ much better now."

Joe just barks again then squats to relieve herself.

"Great. Here I am, confessing my feelings and all you can do is take a piss? Thanks for the support."

I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation I now find myself in, the situation I created.

_Damn it._

A few squats and barks later and Joe seems restless and ready to go back inside, so we head upstairs. After checking her food and water bowls, Joe seems satisfied that no one has touched what is hers, and so she heads over to her little bed, scratches a few times, turns around in a circle, then settles in for what's left of the night.

_Why the fuck does she do that? It's like she's convinced some other dog is going to sneak in and steal her food and water while she's not looking.. every time we go for a walk, when she comes back in, she goes over and checks her bowls.. I should ask Maura…_

I stop my thoughts from venturing down the path they were headed down and just roll my eyes, noticing that Joe Friday is already comfortable, curled up in a tiny little ball.

_Lucky bastard._

The dog will, no doubt, drift off to sleep in no time. Me? No such luck..

Guilt is a bad bedfellow.

I flop unceremoniously onto my couch and search for the TV remote.

_Didn't I just have the damn thing.. like, right here?_

I slide my hand in between the couch cushions, leaning forward so that I can search the crevice behind me as well. My fingertips come in contact with something that feels like paper, and when I pull the strip of photos out from its hiding place, I can't help but smile.

_That was a good day.._

Staring back at me are two sets of eyes, one brown.. the other a brilliant, lively shade of hazel.. And two smiling faces.. one smile is lop-sided and goofy looking, the other is bright and absolutely beautiful.

I remember when these were taken.

It was a Saturday, and I somehow talked Maura into joining me and my family for a trip to Castle Creek Adventure Land in Salem. We spent the day riding go carts and playing arcade games.

Well, I spent the day riding go carts and playing arcade games. Maura spent the day laughing at my antics and observing from what she deemed a "safe distance". All I was able to talk her into doing was playing two rounds of mini golf.. which she won, then proceeded to brag about all the way back to Boston.

On our way out of Castle Creek, I spotted a photo booth, and, claiming that we hadn't really done much together all day long, I convinced Maura to have her picture taken with me.

_God, she's so beautiful._

In the first picture, we're looking at each other and laughing, having been caught off guard. In the second picture, we're both looking into the camera.. Maura is smiling, and I have my eyes crossed and my tongue out. The third picture is the one that makes me laugh. Maura, having noticed I was making funny faces, decided that she would as well, and so she crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue in what makes for one of the most adorable things I have ever seen. In the third picture, my head is thrown back and I am laughing at the face Maura is making. The fourth picture is one of me laughing. Maura is looking at me, smiling sweetly, her eyes full of something I can't quite put my finger on.

_Love? Yeah, maybe.._

The fifth, and last picture, is the one that I love the most.

After taking literally a second to decide what I wanted to do in our final snapshot, I wrapped my arm around Maura's shoulder and leaned in and pressed my lips to her cheek. The look on her face is priceless. Her jaw is slack, eyes wide, and her expression is one of pleasant surprise.

My heart aches as I look at the pictures I'm holding in my hand.

_This is what I could have.. this is what I want…_

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

_Then why did I run?_

I open my eyes, studying the pictures once more. It's the fourth picture that catches my attention, the one of me laughing and Maura just looking at me. Her expression is one of absolute adoration, her lips turned up in a loving smile, her eyes shining and so full of love that I feel my chest tighten and tears start to form.

_She loved me.. even then.. she loved me._

I don't reach up to wipe away the tears that are now silently making their way down my face, content to just let them fall.

"I am such a fuck up."

For some reason, speaking it out loud makes me feel even worse.

I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to feel worse about what I've done.

I was wrong.

The clock on the wall informs me that it is now almost five in the morning.

_Fuck._

I might as well take a shower and get dressed for work.

_Today is going to be one of those days that Ma warned me about.._


	3. Little Lion Man

Disclaimer: Still not mine..

AN1: I am aware that Jane Rizzoli is not a coward. When it comes to tackling perps and sending a bullet through her own abdomen to save the day, she's got that covered. When it comes to emotions? When it comes to dealing with what's going on in her heart and in her head, she needs a little help.. and that's where Maura comes in. This chapter takes its title from a song by Mumford & Sons. I suggest you listen to the song then read the chapter. It's powerful, and for where I'm going with this story? Jane Rizzoli is Little Lion Man.

A/N2: Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to leave me feedback on this story. Each review is greatly appreciated. If you're reading this and you're not reviewing? Well, you are not on my list of Super Special Totally Awesome People.. So there! YOU live with that.. but still.. keep reading..

**Against the Grain**

Chapter Three: Little Lion Man

It's been 42 hours since I crawled out of Maura's bed and into the self-made hell I now find myself in. I can't remember the last time I had something of nutritional value in me, seeing as how, even though I'd like to think that it does, coffee does not count. My eyes burn, my back hurts, and my bladder is in dire need of a good emptying. The steady downpour of rain isn't helping with the whole me having to piss like a race horse thing. Not at all.

It's a Friday night, I just closed a horrific case and put a sick fuck behind bars, and I have the weekend off for the first time in.. too long. I should be on my couch, knocking back a cold beer, catching the highlights of the game on ESPN. I should be stretched out, relaxing, rocking a tank top and an old pair of boxers.

I shouldn't be parked down the street from Maura's place, watching the lights in her windows go out one by one, like some creep hoping to catch a glimpse of a butt cheek or a tit. I shouldn't be sitting in my car, alone, ass glued to my seat.. when I could be with her, holding her, and apologizing for being such an idiot..

_God, I miss her._

I pull out my cell phone and go through text after text from her. From the first one, asking where I was.. to the last one, asking me if she had done something wrong.. Each one of them breaks my heart, each one of them is her way of trying to fix what I fucked up.

I go through a few pictures in my phone that I have her, and of us together, and my heart aches a little more.

I can't bring myself to listen to the voicemail she left me a few hours ago. The one that I did listen to still plays on loop in my head, and it kills me.

"_Jane, it's me.. I missed you when I woke up this morning.. and at lunch.. and this afternoon. I.. I just miss you, Jane. I miss you."_

I could tell that she had been crying, her voice sounded so small. Maura doesn't stutter often, or repeat herself unless she is having to explain something she said that I totally didn't understand.

A pang of guilt surges through me and I feel my stomach tighten.

_She deserves better than this.. better than me, better than what I have to offer.._

For almost two days, I haven't stepped foot in the morgue. I wouldn't say that I have been avoiding Maura intentionally.. more like.. intentionally making sure our paths don't cross as to evade an awkward and potentially embarrassing conversation that will, I'm sure, end not only any future we could have had together, but our friendship as well.

We haven't had lunch together, and anytime I've needed anything from her, I've made some lame ass excuse for why I can't go get it and talked Frost into fetching it. I somehow managed to convince him that I had pulled a muscle in my right thigh during yoga and was avoiding any and all unnecessary walking.. until I got up to pace around my desk and developed a nasty limp.. on the left side of my body.

I have to give him credit. He just smiled, told me to drop the act.. and to fix whatever's going on between me and the Doc.

_Frost is a good guy.. and maybe a little more perceptive than he lets on.._

I didn't even park in the same place this morning, knowing that if I did, there was a good chance we would run into one another, either as we were heading into work or heading home.

_I looked like a total dipshit this afternoon, walking around the parking lot for a good ten minutes before it hit me that I had parked somewhere else this morning. Some cop I am.. so much for being aware of my surroundings at all times.._

I didn't get coffee from our usual place, and I walked three blocks just to buy a pack of damn gum to keep from accidentally running into her near the vending machines she sometimes purchases granola bars out of when she's in the mood for a snack.

_And the store I walked to didn't even have my kind of gum.. I had to chew some kind of tropical, fruity chick shit all day…_

I'm not avoiding her. I'm not. I'm giving her time to.. I'm making sure that I..

_Damn it.. I am totally avoiding her like she has necrotizing fasciitis.. _

I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. Again.

_Where did that come from? Flesh-eating disease? Really..? _

I shift a little, adjusting my seatbelt, as I continue to stare out into the darkness. The rain hasn't let up any, and I watch as raindrops race their way down the glass in front of me.

I can't help but smile, thinking back to when Frankie and I were kids. We would be packed like sardines in the backseat of the station wagon, on some kind of family vacation or what have you, and it would start raining. Bored out of our minds and tired of listening to Pop butcher song after song that came on Oldies radio, Frankie and I would race raindrops for candy, baseball cards, or dimes, whichever we happen to have on us at the time.

_Frankie's stupid ass always picked a big raindrop, thinking that because it was bigger it would go faster. He's such a little dumb shit sometimes.. I love him though._

We would end up getting into a fist fight because Frankie would lose the race then try to get away with not paying me my dime or giving me my Ken Griffy Jr. baseball card. Pop would have to pull over to the side of the road so that Ma could unfasten her seatbelt, turn around in her seat, and pop the hell out of me. Never Frankie.. always me. Pop would yell at Ma, who would tell him to mind his business, and wherever we were heading, we always got there over an hour later than we were supposed to arrive.

_I'm always the one Ma blames for everything.. and that's never going to change._

Noticing a smudge on my windshield, I reach up and try to wipe it away with the sleeve of my jacket.

_Goddamn it._

The smudge doubles in size and I roll my eyes then blow my breath, still trying somewhat unsuccessfully to rid the glass of the annoying streaks.

Convinced that the smudge is there to stay, I sigh and squirm around a little.

_I can't hold it.._

I unbuckle my seatbelt and open my car door, having decided that if I don't find a place to squat, I'm going to pull a Joe Friday and tinkle in my cruiser. I quietly close the door and make my way into some trees, bushes, and flowers.

I make fast work of my belt, button, and zipper, shoving my pants down to about mid thigh before hunching down and closing my eyes as a steady stream hits the ground.

Rain is soaking through my clothes, but I don't care. A sense of relief spreads throughout my whole body as I relieve myself.

"When you're finished _watering _my begonias, I would like to have a word with you." Her voice is calm and steady, and when my eyes pop open, I see Maura standing in front of me, arms folded across her chest and an almost indiscernible frown on her face.

_Fuck!_

I watch as she pulls her robe tighter around her body then turns around and heads back inside, no doubt trying to avoid getting soaked.

_Well if this isn't a slice of sucks to be me with a side of fuck my life…_

"Maur.. Maur, wait up.. hey, hold up a sec, will ya? Jesus Christ…"

I try my best not to step in the puddle of rain and urine that has pooled at my feet as I struggle to pull my pants up and follow after her, awkwardly trying to cover myself and make it inside before the door closes behind her.

The door closes in my face, and I just stand there, not exactly sure what I should do.

I know what I want to do, what I need to do.. I want to throw myself at her feet and beg her to forgive me. I need to make things right between us, to fix what I have most certainly broken.. possibly beyond repair.

I feel tears start to sting my eyes, and I try to brush wet strands of hair out of my face as I take a step towards the door.

"Maura.. please let me in…"

I don't know why I feel the need to do so, but I raise a shaking hand and knock on her backdoor. Guilt and fear grip my heart, and as I begin to cry harder, my light knocking turns into a desperate, persistent pounding on her door.

I know that I don't really need permission to enter. Maura has not only given me a key, but there's an unspoken open invitation that I know stands, no matter what's happening, no matter what time of day or night. I am always welcome in her home.

I guess now is just the first time that I don't feel like I deserve to be let in.

"Maur.. I.. I fucked up.. I'm sorry… you didn't do anything wrong, Maur.. I.. I ran.. I got scared… and I ran. It's not your fault, okay? You didn't do anything wrong… Maura…"

I still can't bring myself to open the door and walk in, so I just stand in the rain, cold and crying, shuddering and trying my best to figure out how to make things better but coming up with nothing.

The door opens, and she stands there, her eyes full of compassion and concern as she reaches out to me with one hand.

"Oh, Jane…" Her voice is barely a whisper, so full of love that it completely does me in.

It's too much.. it's too much for me to take.. and so, without thinking, without trying to act strong.. my stoicism completely obliterated.. I fling my shaking, wet body into hers, falling into her open arms, sobbing.

Broken.

Undone.

"Please.. forgive me.. please..?"

I feel her arms wrap around me, feel her small frame support the weight of my body, feel her warm lips press to my cool, rain soaked temple.

"Forgive me… forgive me…"

Over and over again, all I can do is beg for forgiveness and hope that she can find it in her heart to bestow grace upon someone who doesn't deserve it.

_O Blood and Water that gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of mercy for us, I trust in You. Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion, inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself…_

The prayer I was forced to memorize when I was a child comes back to me, and in this moment, I find that the only love I have ever needed is not found in outstretched hands on a cross, but in the arms of the woman who holds me now, cradles me in her arms lovingly, and whispers blessed assurances in my ear.

"Oh, Jane.. please.. don't cry… I.. I forgive you, Jane… I love you." She says, her arms tightening around me as she kisses my forehead.

_Please.. forgive me…_


	4. Alright

Disclaimer: Is this _really _necessary?

A/N: That last chapter was a tough read, and in just three short chapters, I have put Jane and Maura through a lot. This chapter is atonement for my past transgressions and hopefully a step in the right direction when it comes to making my way toward writing that happy ending they deserve. Love is messy, it's complicated.. but it's always worth it. This chapter takes its name from a Kinnie Starr song of the same title. If you haven't heard the song, I urge you to go listen to it. You'll be glad you did. This chapter is a little longer than the others, I guess as an apologu for making y'all wait so long for an update.. as always, thanks for reading.. and please review!

**Against the Grain**

Chapter Four: Alright

The weight of the guilt I feel is enormous, and I continue to sob as Maura encourages me to follow her. Somehow, her small frame is able to keep me upright, and she slowly leads me down the hall and up the stairs to her bedroom.

"Oh, Jane.. it's alright.. please, don't cry.." She says, her voice shaking and full of emotion.

I can't speak. All I can do is cry as she cradles me in her arms, trying her best to comfort me.

"It's.. it's not okay, Maur.. it's not.. it's not okay…"

_I don't deserve her forgiveness, and I know it.. I deserve to be yelled at, slapped, then tossed back out into the rain.. I deserve her anger, not her comfort.._

"You need to get out of these wet clothes, Jane, you're shivering.." She tells me, and for the first time, I notice that I am cold.

_She shouldn't have to put up with this shit.. _

She pulls away from me a little, just enough so that she can peel my jacket off of my shoulders. She tugs at my shirt and I lift my hands a little so that she can pull it off of me. Her trembling hands go to my belt, unbuckle it, then her eyes meet mine.

I nod, then kick off my boots, which she grabs and neatly places on what has become my side of her bed.

_It's almost as if she's convinced I belong here…_

She unbuttons then unzips my pants, and with a gentle tug, they fall from my hips and form a pool at my feet. I step out of them, kicking the soaked heap out of the way, and she gently, slowly helps remove my socks. Standing before her in just a tank top and a pair of black boy shorts, I let out a breath I wasn't aware I had been holding.

Reaching out to cup my face, she wipes away my tears, then goes up on tiptoe to press her lips to mine.

"It _is_ alright, Jane.." She whispers, wrapping herself around me once more, her head resting on my chest.

I wrap my arms around her, closing my eyes.

"Maur.. what I did.. it's not alright, and I don't want you to tell me that it is when I know that it isn't."

I know Maura. I know that she has a tender heart, and I know that when it comes to me, she has never been able to say no or to get angry and stay angry for very long. I also know that when I hurt her, the wound goes deeper and takes longer to heal.. because she loves me.. and because I love her, I can't let her let me off the hook so easily.

_I wouldn't blame her if she hauled off and slapped the shit right out of me.._

"If you're mad, tell me… tell me that I hurt you, tell me what I did was horrible… and if you need to.. take your time forgiving me…"

I don't get to finish what I'm saying as she lightly covers my mouth with her hand, a small smile dancing its way across her lips.

"You're right. What you did was horrible, and it hurt.. but it didn't come as a surprise. Maybe that's why it didn't hurt nearly as much as it should have.. I know you, Jane.. I watched you leave, and I laid there hoping you would come back. When you didn't, I knew that you would.. eventually.. and I love you enough to wait." She says, leaning back so that she can look up into my eyes. "Right now, all I want to do is crawl into bed and hold you. I want to wrap my arms around you, feel your body pressed into mine.. I just want to hold you.. if that's alright..?"

I can't help but smile.

_How can I say no to such a request?_

"Yeah, okay.. I think that can be arranged."

She smiles back at me, her dimples visible, and I feel my heart do some kind of strange, flip-like thing.

_She's always had this effect on me.. from day one.. and it's only gotten worse… or should I say better?_

I gaze at her silently as she slips out of the slightly damp robe she is wearing, my eyes drinking in the sight of her clad in only shorts that show off more of her legs than I have ever seen and a silk camisole that is a little low cut and more than a little form fitting.

_Camisole? Since when do I know, much less actually use, that word? That's a very.. that's a Maura word…_

The smile she is flashing me warms my heart, and as we crawl into bed, I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Fear and guilt begin to dissolve as she pulls me into her, wrapping her arms around me. My head is tucked under her chin, my face pressed to the warm flesh that covers a prominent collarbone, and I close my eyes as I press my lips to her skin.

I feel and hear her hum contentedly, feel the warmth of her hand through the cotton of my tank top as it rests on the small of my back, her fingertips drawing tiny circles and other patterns absentmindedly.

I can't help it, can't stop my body from responding to her touch. I feel my skin start to become feverish, hear my heart pounding in my ears. I try to focus on controlling my breathing, but that becomes increasingly difficult when her hand glides beneath my tank top and her fingertips make contact with my skin. Her fingers dance their way to the middle of my back then down to continue making patterns on my lower back.

_God, what those fingers could probably do to me.._

I feel myself blush at the images that run through my mind.

_Now is not the time to be thinking about… that…_

I open my eyes and lean back just enough so that I can look into her eyes. Dark hazel eyes stare back at me, shining with compassion, love.. And something that goes a lot deeper and resembles what she is, no doubt, seeing reflected in my eyes right now.

_If she wants me even half as bad, half as much as I want her…_

"Jane.. may I.. may I..?" Her voice trembles, filled with a hesitation and an uncertainty I am not used to hearing in her voice.

I cup her face with one hand, unable to verbally respond to her request, and I lean in and press my lips to hers.

Our lips move together slowly, tentatively at first, but as I gain more confidence and become convinced that what I want is what she wants too, I press my body into hers, pull her into me, claim her with lips, teeth, and tongue. She responds passionately, and with enthusiasm, opening her mouth to me after I glide my tongue along her bottom lip in a request for entrance. Our tongues dance, swirling together and around one another, as I close my eyes and feel her hand travel from the small of my back to my hip. I moan, unable to control my body and its response to her and what she is doing to me.

I pull away slowly, taking a slow, deep breath, and open my eyes to find that her face is now buried in my chest.

"Maur..?"

She shakes her head and refuses to look up at me, so I hook my index finger under her chin and coax her to make eye contact with me.

"You want to tell me what just happened?"

She smiles shyly.

"You kissed me.. with tongue.. and I became extremely aroused." She tells me, averting her eyes once more.

_Oh, yeah..?_

"And then you went all Bass on me and started playing peek-a-boo.."

_He's a tortoise, not a turtle.. tortoise, not a turtle…_

"I doubt that Bass is familiar with that term, and he certainly doesn't play games like most pets do. He retreats when threatened, uncomfortable, or when he needs to rest.. but.. that's not what you were trying to say.. is it?"

I flash her my best "no shit" look then smile.

"Maura.. what's wrong? I thought you wanted me to kiss you.. that's why I did it. Well, that.. and I just really wanted to kiss you, y'know?"

_Did I misread her signals..? What if she's not over what I've done..?_

"I did what you to kiss me.. I mean, I _do_ want you to kiss me. It's just that.. when you do, I want.. more." She confesses, tearing her gaze away from mine so that she can hide in my chest once more. "Jane, I want you." Her last sentence is muffled slightly, but it has a strong effect on me nonetheless.

I have never known Maura to be shy about what she wants, especially when it comes to sex, so I'm a little surprised by her behavior. I mean, this is a woman who carries around an in case of impending bang kit.

_She's cute when she's shy.. well, even cuter than she usually is.. didn't think that was possible._

I wrap my arms around her and smile, breathing in her soft, feminine scent, as I poke the top of her head with my nose.

"Then.. I guess it's probably a good thing that I want you too, huh?"

Once my words sink in, and once she has had a chance to get over the sudden and uncharacteristic bout of shyness, she looks up at me and smiles, giving me a slight nod.

I should be scared right now.

I should be planning my escape, plotting an exit strategy of some kind in case this all goes to hell.

And it very well could…

I can think of a lot reasons why I should probably walk away from her right now.. my job, my fears, my insecurities, my tendency to take good things and fuck them up…

My head is telling me to run.

My heart is telling me to stay.

"Spend the day with me today. We can sleep now.. but.. I want you to spend the day with me. I don't want to go anywhere, or do anything. I just want to be with you." She says, and even though her words come across as a command, or a statement, I can tell that it is more of a request.

Her tone always gives her away.

_She never really asks me for anything.. she told me once that she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants... or needs.._

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

_And there isn't.._

I roll onto my back, pulling her with me, and she snuggles up against my side, her head now resting on my shoulder.

"Why did you leave?" She asks softly, and I can tell that curiosity is the driving force behind her question.

She isn't mad, or even upset.

She simply wants to know why I did what I did.

_Typical Maura.. always wanting to know shit…_

I hurt her. I know I did.

The least I can do is try to explain my actions.

_Damn, I wish I knew what to say.. I wish I could just open up and tell her everything that's on my mind right now… but I don't know if I can. Opening up isn't exactly my area of expertise._

"When I was a kid, Tommy and Frankie were always getting into fights.. in the neighborhood, on the bus, at school on the playground. The Rizzoli clan was known for fighting, swearing, back talking, and causing trouble.. still are, y'know? I remember this asshole who was two grades ahead of me punched Frankie in the stomach so hard he hit the ground and started crying.. this guy was a lot bigger than me, by about forty pounds and three inches. That didn't stop me from sneaking up on him, tossing my jacket over his head, and beating the shit out of him. I punched and kicked as hard as I could, until finally, a teacher rounded the corner, saw what was happening and pulled me off of him…"

_She's probably wondering if this story has anything to do with what she asked me.._

"Anyway, I got suspended from school.. which was nothing compared to the trouble I got into at home. I was on dish duty for a solid month. No TV for a week, no basketball for a week. I took my punishment, and when Ma asked me if I was sorry for what I had done, I was honest.. I told her if I had it to do all over, I'd do the same exact thing.. only the next time, I wouldn't get caught. It's not like it was a pride thing, because it totally wasn't.. it was more about standing up for family, and fighting for what you believe in.."

_Like love.._

"I can't tell you why I left.. I mean, I know why I left.. but I can't go into all that, not right now anyway.. besides, why I left isn't anywhere near as important as why I came back.. I'm kind of a fuck up.. I don't know how to talk about how I feel, and I hide behind humor and sarcasm a lot because I just don't know what else to do sometimes.. I come across as careless and reckless, and I know I can be stubborn and difficult to get along with.. but I'm only like that because that's what has always worked for me. I hate to say that it's who I am, but.. it's who I am."

_And I hate it…_

"I came back because.. because you're worth fighting for. What I have with you? I've never had this with anyone else. I've never been able to be myself.. to let someone see all of me, all of the _real_ me… not just the front I put up to protect myself from the world. You get to see all of me, y'know? The good.. the not so good. Everything.. you see it all.."

_And I don't know why, but she's still around.._

"I left, I hurt you.. what I did was stupid and childish.. and you knew me well enough to know that I was going to do it, and that eventually, I would come back.. that's something I've never had before. I bet you already know why I did what I did.. hell, you could probably even explain it to me and make things make more sense in my head than they are making right now.. and that's worth fighting for… because that's love."

_God, I love her so much.._

"When you _know _someone like that, know them well enough to understand why they do what they do, to anticipate a move or two.. it's special, y'know? It means something.. and I know I ran from it at first, but that's over. I can stand still with you, for you. I'm not easy to love, but if you want me.. I'm yours, okay? No more running, no more bullshit.. okay?"

I feel her nod, then I plant a kiss on the top of her head.

"And no more relieving yourself in my yard!" She says, swatting at me playfully, and the seriousness of the last few minutes is broken with laughter. "Honestly, Jane! Jo Friday has enough poise and dignity to avoid my begonias.." She adds, and laughter rumbles deep in my chest.

_She even gets that I can't take all this opening up shit.. she knows I need a break…_

I know she was listening to every word, hanging on each syllable and absorbing its meaning and importance.

Now she's going to lay here and process everything I've said, while I lay here and hold her and hope that what I've said is enough to start repairing the damage I've done.

"Jane?" She asks, after a moment of silence has passed between us.

I pull back and away from her a little, so I can look down into hazel pools of love and genuine affection.

"Yeah?"

_She's so beautiful._

"I've forgiven you.. it's your turn." She says, a small smile forming on lips that I lean down and press mine to in a short but sweet kiss.

_I'm not sure what I did to deserve her, but I'm sure as hell glad I did it.._

"So.. we're alright?"

She yawns sleepily, nodding at me.

"We're alright.. as long as I can fall asleep and wake up in your arms…" She tells me, and I pull the covers up over us a little more, giving her a gentle squeeze.

She closes her eyes and I drop a kiss on her forehead.

"Sweet dreams, Maur."

She nuzzles into me, mumbling something I don't quite understand, and I laugh quietly.

_Sleepy Maura is adorable.. more so than usual…_

I close my eyes, sighing contentedly, holding the woman I love in my arms.

_Everything's going to be alright…_


	5. Let It Go

Disclaimer: -_-

A/N1: Sorry it has taken so long for me to update. Thanks for your patience, and for even taking the time to read this. Quite a few of you have signed up for story alerts, and I appreciate that more than you'll probably ever know. This chapter was inspired by a Gavin DeGraw song of the same title..

A/N2: I was so on my way to earning that beloved M rating in this chapter… but then I thought, "No.. not yet.. it's not time…" I love a good roll in the hay just as much as the next girl, but what I love more than that is a little plot development. This is more of that. Enjoy, and if you do.. please take a second to let me know, okay? Thanks!

**Against the Grain**

Chapter Five: Let It Go

I wake up to the feel of warm sunlight on my face and deft fingers tracing my features softly. I keep my eyes closed, but I can't stop my lips from turning up into a smile.

"Y'know.. it's kinda rude to stare, Maur.."

_Ugh, I always sound like a pack-a-day smoker in the morning.._

"I was just making sure you're still here." She says, her index finger tracing the outline of my lips. "It was nice, sleeping in your arms.." She adds, and I reach up and grab her wrist, stilling her hand so that I can kiss her fingertips.

I try but fail to stifle a yawn.

"I slept better last night than I have in..."

_Shit, when was the last time I slept like that..? Probably not since the last time I slept with my arms around…_

I fail to finish my thought when I feel soft lips on the bare skin of my shoulder.

"I always sleep better when you are next to me. I enjoy the warmth of your body, and the way it feels when you reach out and pull me into your arms when you are sleeping soundly. Your breath usually tickles my neck.. I rather enjoy that sensation as well." She tells me, punctuating the end of each sentence by dropping a kiss to whatever inch of skin she feels the need to explore and discover.

I close my eyes, letting out a low moan when I feel teeth nip at my collarbone. Her lips slowly make their way up my neck and I feel my back arch just a little, unable to control the response her touch, her kiss elicits from me.

_Oh, fuck…_

"I am extremely turned on, and I should warn you… I am entertaining sexually explicit thoughts about you right now.." She confesses, and I feel her fingers begin to play with the hem of my tank top.

_Oh, really?_

"Your pillow talk could use some work.."

I open my eyes when she pulls away from me, only to find that she is looking at me, one perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised. Whether it rose in question or challenge, I'm not sure, but when she smiles back at me, all I can do is chuckle.

_God.. why the hell am I nervous? It's just Maura… it's just Maura.. putting her hands.. and mouth.. on my body… no big deal…_

My laughter fades, and her eyes lock on mine and linger for a moment before she finally speaks.

"I want you." She states, and rather simply, as her lips find their way to my shoulder once more.

_Double fuck…_

She slowly climbs on top of me, lining her hips up with mine, effectively pinning me to the bed.

My pulse has quickened, and as I feel her hand dip beneath my shirt so that her palm rests flat against my stomach, her fingers lightly exploring my skin, I can't help but groan. My hips move as I shift a little, and all of a sudden I am keenly aware of the fact that I am extremely turned on.

"Maur…"

_Oh, God.._

"Do you want me to stop..?" She asks, her voice muffled as she licks my pulse point then attaches her lips to the skin of my neck, nipping and sucking so that she will, no doubt, leave a small bruise.

"God, no.. I just.. I want to make sure… are we okay? I mean, after what I did…"

I feel her lips turn up into a smile against my skin.

"I want you, Jane.. I want to make love to you, right here.. now.. slowly, methodically, passionately, and thoroughly…" She tells me, and I bite my bottom lip to keep from moaning loudly.

_Oh. My. God._

"That's a lot of adjectives.."

_Sweet baby Jesus…_

"I have always been more of a _show _rather than a _tell _kind of girl.. so let me _show _you what I mean." She says, her voice lower than usual and laced with desire.

Her fingers walk their way further up my torso, slowly making their way to the valley between my breasts.

"Not much to touch or see there, I'm afraid."

_Sometimes, I hate my small tits.._

"Self deprecation is a nasty habit, Jane.." She says, and I gasp when her hand leaves its current location so that she can palm and then massage my left breast.

_Oh, fuck…_

"Oh, fuu… oh, shiii…"

The response my body is having to her touch is overwhelming, and my eyes slam shut of their own accord when I feel her take my nipple between her thumb and index fingers and pinch slightly.

I gasp.

"Maur.. God.. Jesus…"

Coherent thought and the ability to form complete sentences has left me at the moment, and so I just moan, my back arching as she brings her other hand up to my right breast to give it the same attention she is now giving the left one.

_Heart, please stop pounding so damn hard. I cannot die.. not yet.._

And just as quickly as the pleasurable sensations arrived, they are gone.

I open one eye to peep up at her, only to find that she has taken off her camisole.

_Mother. Of. God…_

Not that I've ever doubted that they would be amazing, but my daydreams about this moment left me very unprepared for what I am staring at right now.

_Perfect… just like everything else about her… her tits are perfect…_

I stare.

And stare.

"You can touch them if you want to, Jane." She says, her voice snatching me back to reality, and I feel my face grow hot.

"Uhh, yeah.. okay.. cool."

"_Uhh, yeah.. okay cool..?" What am I, some twelve year old boy about to blow his load because he's gotten an eyeful of really great boobs?_

I cover my face with both hands.

_Please tell me I didn't say that out loud.._

"Yes, you said that out loud.." She tells me, and even though I can't see her smile, I know that she is, in fact, smiling. "I could just touch you.. if you're not ready… or if you don't want to touch me…" Her voice trails off, and I can tell she's starting to wonder if this is a good idea, starting to question if she has crossed a line she wasn't supposed to cross.

_Oh, Maura…_

"Those are.. uhh.. they are just… what I'm trying to say is…"

_Actions speak louder than words, Rizzoli.._

Before I have time to formulate a plan, I reverse our roles and have a handful of breast. My lips, eager to find something to do, attach themselves to hers, and I feel rather than hear her moan.

_I'm kissing Maura.. I'm touching her.. uhh…_

I massage gently at first, still a little unsure of what I'm doing, marvel as I feel her nipple harden beneath my palm.

_Don't think, just do.._

I pull away from her when the need for air becomes too urgent to ignore and look down to find a huge grin on her face.

"I want you too, Maura.. I swear, I do…"

Looking down at the hand that is covering her breast, I watch as my fingers and palm caress and knead the pale mound of flesh.

Hearing her suck in a ragged breath, I notice that her chest has started to rise and fall a little more rapidly, smile as I discover there truly is a difference between simply wanting and actually doing.

I have wanted her for so long, denied myself until my want turned into a dull ache. To finally have the freedom to touch her like this, to finally be able to let go, is liberating in ways I simply cannot grasp.

I comprehend touch, the feel of her beneath and seemingly all around me.

I understand sound, the noises she is making as I touch her, as I allow myself to explore her body reverently.

But there are things happening right now, within me, beneath the surface, that I just can't wrap my heart or head around.

_She wants me._

When that thought hits me, I feel a surge of confidence and assurance flood my entire body.

Eye contact proves to be a little easier, and for a moment, I remain silent as I gaze into her eyes.

"You're going to have to be patient with me.. I mean, this isn't.. I'm not.. this isn't my first time… but it kind of is.. God, that doesn't even make sense."

I rock back, supporting my weight with my knees, and just hover above her for a moment, hand still firmly attached to her breast.

"No.. wait.. let me start over, okay?"

She nods, so I continue.

"What I'm trying to say but just can't seem to find the words is that.. this matters to me. You… us.. it matters… maybe more than anything else has or ever will matter to me.. I love you, Maura, y'know? This isn't just.. I don't just want you now.. I want to be with you, like.. _be _with you."

I let out a long sigh, almost certain I have failed to get my point across.

_Damn it._

"Why, Jane Rizzoli… did you just ask me to go steady with you?" She asks, her tone playful, but her eyes giving away that she knows exactly what is going on and what I was trying to convey to her.

She reaches up and pulls me down into her, my face crashing into her shoulder.

"Ess vat a yuss?"

Somehow, she understands what I have mumbled, and so she squeals in delight.

"That most certainly is a yes, Jane! That's an emphatic yes, as a matter of fact! Oh, Jane, don't just lay there.. kiss me…" She demands, and seeing as how I have no objections to the command, I do as I'm told.

We kiss for seconds, hours, days. Time is lost the second my lips find hers, and I am both excited and surprised by the fact that kissing her feels so familiar, almost as if this is something I have been doing all my life.

_Damn, this feels good._

When I pull away, I rest my forehead against hers before allowing myself to fall away from her so that I can lay beside her. Her arms are still wrapped around me, and on her face is the most beautiful smile.

"So.. I mean.. we're together now.. right?"

I feel her nod, and I can't help but smile.

"Finally…" She whispers, and it occurs to me that maybe she has been wanting to be with me as long as I have been wanting to be with her.

_That's impossible. I wanted her the moment I laid eyes on her.._

I laugh.

"What do you mean.. _finally_?"

A few awkward shifts and some repositioning later and we are facing each other, her arm draped over my hip, my arm around her waist.

"Please tell me that you haven't been completely unaware of the fact that there is a certain… _tension_… between us? Have you never noticed.. did you not pick up on the signs I have been sending you?" She asks, and I can't help but laugh.

_Adorable._

"You mean the _signals _you've been sending?"

She just nods.

"Well, I mean.. I kinda wondered.. like, sometimes.. I thought I caught you checking me out a few times. I just chalked it up to wishful thinking, y'know? Or I thought that maybe I had dressed worse than usual.. or maybe I had a stain or my shirt or something."

I shrug, and she pecks me on the lips.

"And how did you explain all the times I touched you..? Or stood too close to you..?" She asks, and as I look into her eyes, I suddenly wonder if maybe I should turn in my badge and gun.

_Some fucking detective I am.._

"You mean…? Wait, all this time, you've been doing this shit… like, you've been trying to tell me you were interested in me..?"

_Mind. Officially. Blown._

"I was attracted to you the moment I laid eyes on you. I found your musculature to be very appealing, and even though your choice of clothing was tragic, I could tell you have a gorgeous body. I asked you to run a marathon with me, to test your endurance.. then, I asked you to accompany me to yoga, to test your strength and flexibility. You impressed me, Jane, and upon determining you would be a more than adequate lover, I began to pursue you. It just so happens that I find you intelligent, charming, and kind.. which is probably why my attraction to you is more than just physical… somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you.. all of you."

_Wait.. I'm sorry.. did she just say..?_

"Wait.. so.. the marathon and the yoga… you were _testing _me?"

_What the…_

"Oh, don't worry, Jane.. you passed with flying colors.. but even if you had, for some reason, been unable to prove that you possess high levels of endurance and are extremely flexible, I wholeheartedly believe I would have still fallen for you. Those tests merely prove that you are able to stimulate me physically, which is important, but is not the most important factor to consider when selecting a mate."

_How romantic.._

"You make falling in love with me sound like a science project."

_Leave it to Maura to see things from a completely different perspective.._

"I approach everything scientifically, Jane, you know that. Why should love be any different?" She asks, and I just shake my head.

_Wow.. unbelievable.._

"Y'know, I think some people would be offended by what you just said. But I get it.. I really do. It's just how you operate, I guess.. kinda like how I've learned to trust my instincts over the years and to rely on what my gut is telling me. Your methods are more precise, whereas I just go with the flow and trust what I feel. You're the brains of this relationship.. I'm the heart.. I think it works, y'know?"

_It just works.._

"Yes, Jane.. I _do_ know." She says, her hand slowly making its way up my stomach to settle between my breasts.

_Never let it be said that Maura Isles is not determined.._

"God, Maur…"

Her fingertips draw lazy circles on my chest, and I take a deep breath then let it out slowly.

"You should remove your tank top, Jane. I want to feel your skin against mine." Her words come across as a polite request, but I detect a certain level of desire and curiosity that makes me smile.

Without speaking, I sit up a little so that I can pull my tank top up and over my head, tossing it onto the floor.

I immediately feel self conscious, and so I reach down to pull the sheet up over my body.

_Goddamned scars.._

Her hand covers the hand that is clutching the sheet to my chest and slowly encourages me to pull the sheet back down.

"I want to feel and see _all _of you. I think everything about you is beautiful." She tells me, her eyes studying me closely as her lips turn up into a smile.

_I love it when she smiles.. especially when she smiles like that and at me.._

"I'm a mess."

_A total fucking mess.._

"You're a beautiful mess.. my beautiful mess." She says, then presses a soft kiss to my bare shoulder.

I shudder.

"I feel damaged."

For just three words, it's a pretty big confession.

"That's because you are. A scar, by its very definition, suggests that a mark has been left on the skin as a result of damage. Scars are proof that our body has undergone some kind of physical distress, such as a burn, or in your case, a bullet wound. They are evidence that damage was done, yes.. but more importantly, they are proof that you have healed." She tells me, and I flinch a little when her hand finds its way to the marred flesh on my abdomen. "You survived. You have healed. You are here with me.. and I think that your scars are a beautiful reminder of the life that could have flowed out of you but still flows within."

_Don't cry._

I feel tears form, feel the sting of their presence, as she bends down and kisses my daily reminder that life is short and that no one is guaranteed tomorrow.

"I am almost embarrassed to admit this, but… I have wondered what it would feel like to be naked with you. I enjoy all contact I have with you, and so, more than once I have fantasized about being in bed with you, in your arms, with nothing between us." She confesses, then turns slightly so that she can bury her face in her pillow.

_Damn, she's cute.._

I reach down, grunt, shift a little, tug, pull, then wiggle my way out of my boy shorts.

"Your turn."

I toss the scrap of cotton onto the floor with my tank top and watch as she lifts her face from her pillow, throws her head back, and laughs happily.

A few seconds of tugging and wiggling later, and we are laying in bed together, with absolutely no clothes on.

_Holy. Fucking. Shit.._

"I'm not on call this weekend.. neither are you.. we've got plenty of time to do whatever else you've been fantasizing about and wanting to do…"

_And I do mean whatever…_


End file.
